As RanceQuest mentioned in his prior post about birds or some shit, unlike typical nerds we are all very much into the footballs. Watching sweaty, hulkingly muscular men slamming
their dicks into each other on a grass field in constant pursuit of a stitched brown oval really sets our boners at attention. With the Superbowl just a little under two weeks away we’re all pretty stoked. Add on top of that the fact that our home team, the Baltimore Assclowns Ravens, have clawed their way into the Big Game, you just know shit is about to get real as fuck around here.
LOOK AT HIS FACE! JUST LOOK AT IT!
For those of you that don’t know (or in any way, shape, or form care), the interesting part about this season’s Superbowl is that the two head coaches going into this game are hermanos (that’s Mexican for “brothers”), Jim and John Harbaugh. These two siblings have fought ridiculously hard to get their teams into the spots they are in and now they’re expected (and I’m sure more than willing) to completely destroy one another. So, in anticipation of the Harbowl (or Superbaugh if you’re a lady-boy) and the epic battle between two brothers in an effort to win it all, Dr. Rance Quest Magnum and Keith Courage give you….
Four Games Featuring Sweet Brother on Brother Action
Again, this will have mostly nothing to do with football…mostly. Although, we have taken the liberty of throwing down a point spread and resultant victor in case you were wondering who we think would dominate in an epic Ball Throw Tackle-Man match!
Keith Courage says….
Bubble Bobble – Arcade
In Taito’s precious little game that mostly revolved around murdering super cute enemies by suffocating them in spit bubbles and then eating the apples or cake or whatever fell out of their corpses, our hero brothers Bub and Bob reigned supreme. All Bub and Bob really wanted to do was save their girlfriends from robots and the evil Grumple Grommit, and they accomplished this by charging through one hundred levels full of what appear to be children’s toys, happily decimating them all the way.
Bub and Bob (or they’re native Japanese names, Bubblun and Bobblun) were twin bubble-dragon-monster-spirit-demon-things and they really don’t have fuck all for a backstory. They exist to blow bubbles, ruin the days of many a South Park Canadian-styled wind-up toy robot, get chased around by Baron Von Blubba if they took too long to finish a level, and die millions and billions of times before finishing the game. Seriously. Bubble Bobble seemed easy for the first sixty or so levels but then that shit went south, fast, and the next thing you knew you were smashing your semi-hard, bleeding dick into the coin return just so you could tell your friends “That game tried to fuck me, but guess what?! I fucked it instead! ROFLCOPTERBBQNBAJAM!” before you were rushed to the emergency room.
The real bitch of Bubble Bobble is that you had to complete the game in two player ”Super Mode” with both brothers to get the real ending. So if you didn’t have another dumbass willing to at least help cheat the game out of quarters and jump in at the last level boss fight, you were fucked. Not to mention the ending, even after all that, didn’t make a lick of fucking sense. Here, check it out for yourself.
Spread: Bub 0, Bob 2.
The Reason: The entire game would basically just be a clusterfuck of Bub and Bob prancing around blowing bubbles at nonexistent enemies until Bub eventually eats the ball in his own endzone, giving Bob the two points for the safety. Also, I like blue better than green.
Redneck Rampage – DOS – 1997
Out of the billions of DOOM clones released between 1995 and 1999, none of them had thought to put us in the rancid, shit-covered hunting boots of two illiterate hillbillies attempting to save their pig (which had been abducted by evil alien buttprobers) until Redneck Rampage. Published by Interplay in 1997, Redneck Rampage had its players blasting away at aliens (such as the Turd Minion), farm animals that you would eat after exploding them, and other good ol’ boys with a stereotypical array of bumpkiny weapons.
Pork rinds and moonpies were your health power-ups while beer and full liquor bottles worked as an armor of sorts, but if you drank too much you’d puke and collapse onto the ground rendering yourself completely defenseless for a minute or two. Oh, and if you ate too much you would blast horrible farts, making it effectively impossible to sneak up on enemies. There was also a boss character named AssFace.
You did all of these ridiculously stupid things while playing as either Leonard or Bubba, the eponymous rampaging redneck brothers. I don’t exactly remember if you could pick one of the two at the beginning or if there even was a multiplayer option, so I’m not sure why there even needed to be two characters or brothers at all. The illusion of choice only resulted in a different hideous face on the left hand side of the HUD hovering at the bottom of the screen. Probably the least fun game ever created using the BUILD engine, you could almost hear Lo Wang of Shadow Warrior fame violently spinning in his shallow grave. Fuck Redneck Rampage and fuck its two buttplunging brothers, Lingus and Karnov.
Spread: Leonard 7, Bubba 6.
The Reason: Only one touchdown will be scored in the entire first three-and-a-half quarters and it will be entirely due to Bubba’s massive girth and staying power, but his intensely flawed attention span will cause him to completely forget about the extra point. However, directly afterwards, when Bubba has prematurely taken his prize (in this case, the brothers’ abducted pig, which he will summarily rape) Leonard will have the chance to nail the game-winner and easily make the extra point over Bubba’s bloated, rotting corpse.
A WINNER IS YOU
Dr. Rance Quest Magnum says…
Metal Gear Solid – PSOne – 1998
Whenever I think of liquids or solids, I jump right past all that dumb shit they tried to force into my brain from science class. Instead, I think of the thermodynamics of turds. Liquid squirts. Solid logs. So needless to say, it makes sense that the brother-against-brother rivalry evident in 1998’s Metal Gear Solid is analogous to this ever-changing battlefield of diarrhea vs. solid loafs.
I don’t even know what any of that really meant. That makes sense, given that I remember very little about Metal Gear Solid. In Solid Snake’s never-ending quest to rid the world of Metal Gear (note the emphasis; emphasis is and always will be imperative), he is rivaled by his brother, Liquid Snake. There’s some cloning storyline in the game somewhere, but those people who really gave two shits were the same ones who watched The Golden Girls. Remember that one episode where the old biddy broke her cherry and we all were lulz? I don’t. I just made that up. It’s a real thing, though.
Liquid Dump and Solid Dump always amazed me as brothers. One was ruggedly handsome, and the other was of almost effeminate beauty. Solid Shit had a gruff persona, and Liquid Shit a prettyboy English accent. They were complete opposites in every regard, which makes me wonder – and I know shit-all about the Metal Gear mythos – if they were even brothers at all. Were they cloned? Did they ever have incestuous relations with one another? If so, I want to play that game.
Spread: Hershey Squirts 58, Nutty Logs 54.
The Reason: Liquid Diarrhea will come back in double overtime to kick a four-point field goal and wrestle an extremely offense-heavy game from his brother, allowing for Metal Gears to reign supreme. Why four points from a field goal? Because he’s evil and English. They don’t know dick about American football, just like they don’t know a goddamn thing about tooth hygiene or winning wars.
Double Dragon – NES / Arcade – 1987
Double Dragon was pretty much the coolest game I ever played, but in a time before James Bond, Jr. and Samurai Pizza Cats, about the only thing cooler than Double Dragon was anal sex and playing jacks naked with your friends in an alley. I couldn’t believe the “fantastic two-player action” (read: playing one player at a time on the Nintendo version) and the riveting plotline as Jimmy and Billy fought their way through a million thugs just to save their girlfriend Marian.
The best thing about Double Dragon was all the social subjects it tackled. After all, we’re looking at a video game heavily perforated with a subtext of polygamy and open relationships. Billy and Jimmy are both in the fight to save Marion, who obviously gets trains run on her by both of them. Red denim, blue denim, Marian doesn’t give a fuck – she’ll bang you as long as you’re an “illy,” and as long as you have an irrational love-affair with torn blue jean jackets. Double Dragon could have been subtitled The Game Where Two Brothers Fight Through Furious Gangmembers to Reunite – and then Needlessly Fight Over – Their Shared Semen Repository.
Marian’s a whore. I don’t really understand why they’d want to fight over her. My suggestion, guys, is just to hammer her face into the corner of a food-prep table until the skull cracks open, pork the remains, drink beers, go back to MATIN, and scream really loud into one another’s assholes.
What a stupid rivalry. Brothers for life.
Spread: Bimmy 14, Jimmy 21.
The Reason: When you’re in the whole fight just to turn on your brother at the end and try to beat his ass for the girl you’ve both been obviously banging in separate holes at the same time, you know you’re more no-holds-barred than Hulk Hogan and Dewey from Scream (wait, wasn’t that some other shitty wrestling movie?). I give Jimmy the game by spiking a football – and when I mean football, I mean his hulking red denim wiener – right into Marion’s butthole well before the end of the third quarter.