Super Mario Bros. U: Touch Me Gently

I totally didn't steal this from another site whatsoever.

I totally didn’t steal this picture from another site whatsoever.

Watching me play anything Super Mario Bros.-related is like watching a one-armed baboon jerk off four of his friends at the same time while hanging upside-down by a fishook in his ass. Because of this, I only thought it fitting to give my preliminary thoughts on Super Mario Bros. U, since – by all measurements – I’m a fucking retard at Mario games, and always have been.

My recent acquisition of a Wii-U was met with disappointment in that most of the console’s launch titles are complete fart-bags. They’re not piles of shit (Batman: Arkham City, Mass Effect 3, etc.), but with the exception of a few titles, I’ve already gotten my hands on them on other consoles and don’t have much of a desire, even with the new GamePad interface, to jerk off too much time on new playthroughs that I’ve got to pay another sixty bucks for. Worst game reviewer ever, right? Go suck a fuck. I don’t see you rebuying hit games for the Wii-U either. I got Super Mario Bros. U because I have a Nintendo console, and not having a Mario game in my collection seemed downright blasphemous. Terribly wrong. Like masturbating while defecating, or fingering another dude’s butt in his sleep without punching his ribs first.

Warning: You are about to play the gayest game ever made.

Warning: You are about to play the gayest game ever made.

If you threw Super Mario World, Super Mario Bros. 3, and Sonic the Hedgehog for the Game Gear into a BlendTec blender, you wouldn’t get Mario smoke, you’d get Super Mario Bros. U. Though it introduces some new things, SMBU is exactly what you should expect from a Nintendo launch-title – it is nothing too daring, embraces its retro roots, and simultaneously makes you appreciate Nintendo’s ability to not fuck with what doesn’t need to be screwed with, but also makes you wonder why they haven’t changed some things even after twenty-five years.

SMBU is a comfortable return to the old days of Mario platformers. Run right, jump and hit blocks with your big Italian fists, grab fire flowers, jump on Koopas, bounce on bosses three times, avoid the lava, nab the coins. Sure, there are some things about it that are new and help change the game up from its predecessors, like ice-flowers (freezing mindless enemy assholes is a welcome addition to the mechanics), the ability to play the game on the little Wii-U GamePad screen and not solely on the T.V., the opportunity for other players to not just play along with you, but to use the GamePad to give temporary platforms to other players, and–…uh. Well…

Wait. Wait, now that I think of it, those are about the only big advancements I can think of that really make the game any different from the games that came before it.

I mean, sure, there are some little tweaks that capitalize upon the solid Mario-style platforming with a focus on the new GamePad interface, but other than that, this is the same game we’ve played for 25 years. You just jerk off a different controller (and sometimes, I literally mean jerk off, as in, you shake the controller like you’re pleasuring a digital penis to get Mario to spin or flutter around), and that’s the major difference.

New-Super-Mario-Bros-U-5

I stole this picture too. See? You press on the screen to make platforms for your friends. A mongoloid could do it.

The main game consists of the tried-and-true walk-across-maps,-go-into-levels,-occasionally-find-a-Toad-house-or-whatever-they’re-called-and-play-an-annoying-mini-game formula. Newcomers to Mario will understand exactly why Mario is as popular as it has always been, and–

Newcomers to Mario. What am I even talking about?

What a load of goatshit.

The only friend I play Super Mario Bros. U with.

Those kind of people don’t exist, do they? If they do, I hate to live in this world. I don’t give a flying-frying-pan-shit-whistle if you’re five or 50, if you haven’t put your hands on a Mario game, you’re missing out on something essential to the development and growth of a gamer, an excitement as defining as nocturnal ejaculation or discovering that girls don’t actually pee out of their butt. If, however, you’ve somehow managed to dodge twenty-five years of gaming history and you’re not familiar with the fat, spaghetti-slurping plumbers who defined a whole realm of exploratory hallucinogenic drug-use to Generation Xers, Millenials, and Zers, then there is something innately wrong with your brainworks.

What I’m saying is, SMBU is as solid a Mario game as has been made in years. It rides on the spine of previous success stories. With the exception of Dookie-Dookie Pooper or whatever that game was that became Super Mario Bros. 2 (which is, admittedly, my favorite old-school entry in the series) and Super Mario 64, SMBU is a lot like the video game version of that super famous Pink Floyd cover band I can’t remember the name of: it sounds the exact same, looks wonderful, hearkens back to the Old Days, and gives you every opportunity to slide into a nostalgia while discovering a whole new world for the very first time.

I could talk all about the controls and how they respond, but you know them. I could bullshit on and on about the graphic quality, but if you’re familiar with Mario games, you know that doesn’t matter much. Super Mario Bros. U is this weird half-console-generation’s staple game, a must-have if you’re even vaguely familiar with a Nintendo besides it being a name – as my Dad says – for some Japanese dude that pays a few bucks to sniff farts out of women’s bike-seats.

The real Nintendo.

The real Nintendo.

Super Mario Bros. blew our tits up when we were kids.

Super Mario Bros. 3 made us shit our pants in excitement after we held our parents at gun-point to take us to see The Wizard.

Super Mario World was like kissing your sister on the lips for the first time. Familiar. Comforting. Exciting. Brand new. Frustratingly hard. A little damp and tasting like old pizza. But awesome.

Super Mario Bros. U is all of that and more, and imagine it like you’re playing it with a big fat Game Gear in your hands that doesn’t chew through double A batteries every six-and-a-half minutes. If you can somehow manage that without needing to trepan yourself against the corner of a stainless-steel food-prep table, then congratulations. If you’re buying a Wii-U, you need Super Mario Bros. U as bad as you need heroin and prophylactics. You just don’t realize it yet.

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