It came as a surprise (read: no surprise at all) when Pope Benedict SuperBowl XVIIIXIIX gave his worldwide resignation from his Universally Understanding Throne of Catholic Power. I’ve been reading Dan Brown’s Angels & Demons over and over waiting for this day, so that maybe I could go crazy too and start piercing people’s lungs with dowsing rods or whatever the bad guy did in that book. Truth is, nobody gave a fuck about that book, and less people gave a fuck about the Pope. Especially our friend J.P. Parvocore. He likes them young and considerably nubile.
So, in honor of a world society that embraces the unending beauty of youth and takes dumps on the wise and elderly, let’s clear the cobwebs off our dicks and honor Pope Benedicto St. Evil’s reign of Vatican power by looking at…
…A Pope-Pourri of Old, Old Men: Or, WeHateVideoGames Uses Edict-Ordained Abdication from Religious Principles as an Excuse to Show Pictures of Pixelated Old Dudes.
I really wanted to make a list of characters who looked like Pope Benedict, but unfortunately, he’s so horribly disfigured and atrocious-looking that I couldn’t ever expect video games to properly emulate his appearance. So instead, I will just say these characters sort-of look like him. They’re all old. And old people smell like farts and Ben Gay. Maybe once the papal conclave comes together and plays a game of cardinal Parcheesi, they’ll consider these pope-ish lookalikes.
Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
The first time I ever saw Pope Benedicto Mussolini, I almost Force-pooped right in my pants, because there’s no way you couldn’t think that maybe, oh dear God, did George Lucas somehow get his gray-bearded fingers into the Catholic script and get them to elect his infamous Senator? They both have the jaundiced eyes, the sagging jowls, and the menacing threads. While I don’t think Benedict has actually been modeled in a video game, you might as well just grab the wire-frame from Palpatine, because it’s like they’re secretly brothers. The similarities between Emperor Palpatine and the resigned pope are uncanny. Just check out this totally real action-shot I just snapped with my camera phone.
On we move, Paddlewong, to the next entry on my list.
Professor Hector from Gyromite
If you were anything like me and didn’t have any friends when you were a child, games like this one were the best way to lie to yourself and hope you might one day have a person (or a robot) who would spend time enough with you to develop even the vaguest shadow of a relationship. Unfortunately for me, things like that usually involved forced anal sex, which was right up my ass-alley, especially when I discovered that Professor Hector, the smick-smashing, pipe-raising Dr. Wily-wannabe professor from Nintendo’s Gyromite, had a thing for cybernetic erotica and defacing Bibles. The hard truth is that he looks nothing like the pope. They don’t even remotely represent one another. I cannot confirm or deny that Hector’s presence on this list is totally a result of my immense hatred for this shitty game, which is not unlike my hatred for sex that doesn’t involve NES Zappers or underage boys.
As you listen to those guts behind those Zappers bubble away, making brown prophesies for the future, let’s see what else I have in store.
Solid Snake from Metal Gear 4: Guns of the Patriots
I gave a shit about Metal Gear games back when the NES was awesome, and was also pleasantly surprised when Solid for the Playstation came out, mainly because it wasn’t a horrible bundle of shit. These were pretty awesome games that didn’t involve too many old men. Unfortunately, Hideo Kojima watched Forever Young way too many times, because he decided the best option for later installments in the series was to turn Solid Snake into Old Snake. And no, that’s not a joke. They really called him Old Snake. Because he’s old. And he looks like Gary Busey had mouth-sex with Magnum P.I.
I’d ask Solid Snake to be the pope. I really would. I think he’d be a great pope. Quite recently, I learned that there was a newer action game coming out, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, which has one of the most horrific names of all time (right behind the upcoming Star Trek: Into Darkness). So what did I do? I wanted to go back and bone up on all the Metal Gear knowledge I’d missed out on. Unfortunately, this Wikipedia profile of The Boss ruined any ability I’ll ever have to play Metal Gear games with any seriousness in the future.
The pope might be stupid, but video games are even more stupider.
No reason to linger here for too long, amirite? Good luck going to sleep without seeing that creepy shit echoing inside your eyelids. Shitting on your dreams is my number one, fools.
Woods from Call of Duty: Black Ops 2
I’m actually a little wary of having put this entry on here as it is, because it seems like any list that talks about Call of Duty games nowadays gets super-trolled for being unresearched in the realm of video game knowledge. Good thing that I didn’t do any research at all. I still haven’t played BLOPS2 yet. All I wanted to find was this picture, because Woods looks seriously like a boy-toucher. Or Pope Benedict Arnold Schwarzenegger. Either way, the resemblance is fascinating. I think fitting Woods into the papal throne wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for a series of games that have made a collective habit of unbelievably defecating all over the most ridiculous parts of history. It’s sort of like Inglourious Basterds, but not nearly so historically accurate as Roots.
That was nice. And now for my final entry, which needs no words to explain it.
Phalanx for the SNES
And in case you feel like this whole shebang ended on an anti-climactic note, your feelings are probably right. So let’s instead distract ourselves by watching this video of an old man making hilarious PTSD noises as he plays video games.