Valentine’s Day is a day for love and all that heartsy-fartsy bullshit. But not for me. No sir. I want to make you feel like a thousand pounds of shit.
The required background knowledge: Les Misérables was a really massive book by Victor Hugo adapted into a ridiculously famous French opera about beards, barricades, and buttsex. Without buttsex.
(Well, except for that one part.)
In 1985, its English translation production blew the hell up in England, and now we’ve got all these CDs you can buy, and a movie came out in December with Wolverine and Gladiator in it, and generally, if you’re a Les Misérables fan, you can pretty much jerk off and aim your wiener in any general direction and hit something Les Mis-related. This is why Keith Courage always wears an invisible copy of the original cast recording in his approximate mouth location.
So why all this Les Misérables talk on Valentine’s Day? Because I couldn’t think of something more gut-wrenchingly miserable to throw down your throats on this happy day of plastic red favors, heart-shaped cupcakes, and fucking by candlelight. It’s not that I want to ruin your day — SPOILER: if you’re not familiar with the book or the musical adaptation, everybody dies, and it’s pretty much the way Heavy Rain should have ended well before it actually started — but really, it all started like this:
That really “stuoid” idea? The brilliant epiphany came upon me while I was driving 67 miles-an-hour to look up 8-bit stylings of some of the songs in this famous kill-yourself opera, because why not? Keith Courage looks up all kinds of pointless video game bullshit and posts it here, so I thought I might as well try my hand at it too. Unfortunately, the 8-bit world and Les Misérables aren’t really in cahoots, so I only managed to find two 8-bit renditions, both of which are equally unfit for aural consumption. When I told Keith I would be doing a music post, the conversation went something like this:
DRQM: I’m posting a music entry today. But I can’t tell you what I’m posting, because you’ll think it totally sucks.
KC: Is it unlistenable?
DRQM: If you’re familiar with the originals – and you’re gay, so you are – it’s entirely unlistenable.
But that’s up for you to decide.
This absolute mess of an 8-bit track has all the power of a belt-sander and all the passion of a wet turd. Listening to this stomach-turning rendition of Eponine’s song of longing and loneliness makes me want to shove my finger halfway down Peter Molyneux’s throat. There are lots of things I would rather be doing than assaulting my ears with this inhumane garbage. Maybe not being a fan of Les Misérables would be one of them. Maybe wishing my asshole didn’t burn after that camping trip with SpaceFunkyB.O.B. and a Commodore 64 joystick is another.
So let’s hop, skip, and jump straight over to the next (and only other) selection: Fantine’s famous “I Dreamed a Dream,” which she sings about ten minutes of showtime right before she kicks the bucket like a total loser.
Catwoman would be ashamed to hear this. After all the work Anne Hathway put into slobbering and snotting all over the place during her performance of this in the 2012 film adaptation, she’d probably just evacuate out of every other hole just hearing the first few measures of this 8-bit hunk of cowshit. It’s as stiff as a board and as lifeless as a crushed turtle. I sure as hell dreamed a dream too when I heard this — a dream that maybe nobody else in the world ever thought of making another 8-bit rendition of a Les Misérables song.
And unlike the dream of the Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr., mine actually came true.
Until, of course, I say this: Phillip Quast might be a vocal god, but Russell Crowe was my favorite part of the movie.
Happy Valentine’s Day, dicks.